Icy cold Jan and Feb 2010

I admire the women of today..a lot. They have the ability to express themselves through work, home, play, on the internet, write for a publication, meet technology and embrace it completely. I was a product of the" greatest generation" where women were squeezed into a mold that didn't exactly fit. I watched my mother, aunts and grandmother supress their opinions (except when they got together), blend into the background, take second place to the men, and rule the household without letting anyone know they were the actual ruler. Come high school and i got a slightly skewed view of the world and walked slightly on the left of center. I questioned, broke some rules, got sent to detention, was chewed out by our counselor (again the women walk behind rule), and was so excited to graduate I was the only one happy and laughing admist the sea of sobs..I went to college only to find out the bonds were deep and hard to break from. Your choices were secretary, nurse, or teacher..none of which appealed to me. So when i got married at 21, the mold was almost set. It was stay home, cook, clean, keep the kid clean, go to the beauty parlor once a week, be quiet and i couldn't do it. I was stiffled and felt like i was in a prison. I would rather cut grass than clean house, wash my car instead of cook supper..gosh, i was insane! I think my mother and my aunts were the same, but their pholosphy was, be the leader but be quiet about it! As soon as i got pregnate, i quit work because everyone told me too..now it was 1963 and from work at the state house in Atlanta i could see the marchers on the civil rights marches..they were brave.
I must have packed up and left my household 4 or 5 times, running where, i didn't know..i even packed my wigs one time! My mother told me i couldn;t come home so i always went back because a single woman just didn't check into a motel..and my stepford friends thought i was crazy! I had already stepped to the left of center at the university. I dated a young man from Iran, and we had a good time..until the dorm "Mom" called me in and discussed the improprity of dating outsie my "religion" wha??????????? when my first husband and i started a small business together in 1970, again my place was the grunt work in the background and following ..when my second husband and i opened a business again, i took my place(?) my salary was less even though i worked more, my hours were longer but i got paid just enough to pay the bills and buy food..it got so bad that when i wanted to go to the first mall that opened in town, my second husband would take me and come pick me up to see what i had bought!!damn, my rebellion then consisted of taking a cab home one time, putting up my things that i had bought and then taking a cab back to work..hahahahaha , i got repreminded..of course. But the arrangement did a horrible thing to my self esteme and i got uncertain and unsure. plus the fact that i made less, a lot less than the boss , even tho' i was vice president and my ideas were the better and made more sense..again that mold just didn;t fit me..never had, never would. That came to hurt me in many many ways after we divorced..my lawyer told to (and he wrote it down to the other attorney) that my salary was to be equal and i was to have access to all the books and finiancial transactions going on.and i felt for the first time, really liberated and equal. The divorce did what my rebellion could not do: It Freed Me", i took classes i had always wanted to take, took family on vacations i had always wanted to do, changed things at work to suit me and my ideas all of a sudden were good ones and taken into consideration and some were actually implemented..but it took until 1990 for that to happen. I also bought the kind of furniture that i liked, the clothes that i liked ,the car i wanted, ate the food i wanted to (without someone lurking and asking me "if i really wanted to order that or if i really was going to wear that ) there is a very real danger in passive agression and it causes one to strike back hurtfully because you are not aware all the time that someone is demeaning you or clawing at your selfesteem until you feel everything you do is wrong. It hurt badly at my age of retirement because your salary determines what you get in soc. sec. so for years, being in the background, taking less money and sometimes no money when the business did poorly, hurt my ability to fend for myself at retirement..i wasn't able to save as much and put aside as much and i make the dire mistake of loaning my business, Bums Factory Outlet, over 60,000 which i would never recoup. So yes, I do admire the women of today for their guts, for asking for what they are worth and for demanding respect in business and at home, because for so many for so long the respect wasn't there for us. Go Women, Run With the Wolves.......